Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
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we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen