Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
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Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON