@PandAmonnia

*boyfriend calls girlfriend*

Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”

Gf: “we’re breaking up”

Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”

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@carrietini

According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid.

@BoogTweets

Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.

@JillBidenVeep

Joe: Just met with Secret Service
Barack: Oh yea?
Joe: I got them to agree to call Trump “David S. Pumpkins”

@Marlebean

I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!

@jellybnbonanza

When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.

I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.

@AnOrangeSNES

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!

ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie

@jackiembouvier

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.

@Matty_Lombardo

Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight!

Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise?

Me: No, that’s not it. Keep thinking! We’ll figure this out.

@daddydoubts

New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.

Me: want some advice?

New dad: please!

Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.

New dad: okay.

Me: step 2 drink it all.

@angeliav68

Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.