*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
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can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
I’m sure it’s fine.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
We decided to have money instead of children.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside