*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
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Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.