Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
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my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
plums roundup
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat