Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
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karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.