The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
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the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
subtitles are so good nowadays
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!