@OrigamiDad

boyfriend [peels, chops, & salts eggplant. purees stewed tomatoes. minces garlic. chops onions. grates cheese. sautés and bakes.]: babe, i made you dinner!

me [pours milk on cornflakes]: babe, i made you breakfast!

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@Ristolable

[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger

@nyquills

I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you

@ArfMeasures

Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah

Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful

@TheAndrewNadeau

One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.

@CandyEmpires

Google+ is starting to sound like a half-way house for people that aren’t phony enough for Facebook but aren’t edgy enough for Twitter.

@ThatsSoCorri

duolingo: he is a boy

me: él es un niño

duolingo: she is a girl

me: ella es una niña

duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious

me: puedo—wait

@MartaEffing

Her: I love your lip gloss. What brand is it?
Me: *looks puzzled*licks lips* It’s donut glaze.

@ThinkingSavage

Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?

Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.

@Vhalechark

I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.