@ohpeetie

Boyfriend planted watermelon seedlings in our garden. I just bought a watermelon to put beside his plant before he wakes up tomorrow.

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@TeaPainUSA

Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.

@BobGolen

Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.

@iAmDelFreaky

~The Discovery of Fruit~

Ok, so far you’ve named the red one apple and the yellow one banana. What about the orange one?

Really?

*sighs*

@garrydavenport

Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”

My six year old: “Crab!”

@SergioValenCo

If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors

@meganamram

22,110! 22,109! 22,108! 22,107! 22,106! 22,105! 22,104! 22,103! 22,102! 22,101! 22,100! 22,099! 22,098! 22,097! 22,096! 22,095! 22,094!