Boyfriend planted watermelon seedlings in our garden. I just bought a watermelon to put beside his plant before he wakes up tomorrow.

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He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her


ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*


Me: I’m pregnant

Him: OH NO

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me


Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.


*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*

“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”


Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.


Even scarier than seeing a shark fin in the water is seeing a lion mane, because you know the chase isn’t over once you reach land.


A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*


The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.


Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.