@ohpeetie

Boyfriend planted watermelon seedlings in our garden. I just bought a watermelon to put beside his plant before he wakes up tomorrow.

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@tgilliland789

He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her

@dafloydsta

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: OH NO

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

@Julian_Deane

Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.

@Tmoney68

*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*

“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”

@Maxine12339

Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.

@rolldiggity

Even scarier than seeing a shark fin in the water is seeing a lion mane, because you know the chase isn’t over once you reach land.

@HiddenPinky

A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*

@TheTweetOfGod

The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.

@Ghetto_Trophy

Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.