He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Boyfriend planted watermelon seedlings in our garden. I just bought a watermelon to put beside his plant before he wakes up tomorrow.
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ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Even scarier than seeing a shark fin in the water is seeing a lion mane, because you know the chase isn’t over once you reach land.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.