Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
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You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.