The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
(Boyfriend reaches for an old Target bag to line the trash can)
Me: NOT THE NICE TRASH BAGS
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I put my pants on just like everybody else, by getting my toes caught in the knee hole hopping around and ultimately taking out a lamp on my way down.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Shopping for bridesmaid dresses with 5 other women, today. If you never hear from me again, I committed suicide by nail file.
Does anyone know the cheat code to set life to easy mode?
I’m always just a bit disappointed when a liars pants don’t actually catch on fire.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
me: nvm ur already high lol
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.