@liv_thatsme

(Boyfriend reaches for an old Target bag to line the trash can)

Me: NOT THE NICE TRASH BAGS

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@shegotagronk

If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.

@KylePlantEmoji

Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up

Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?

@Rollmaninoz

Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.

June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok

@TheToddWilliams

[mosquitoes]

MORT: I think I’m a vampire

MARV: We all love blood, Mort

MORT: But I can’t see myself in this mirror

MARV: That’s a leaf

@tiReynard

My snack didn’t taste very good.

Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch

I know. Life’s tough.