[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
You Might Also Like
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
everyone’s a critic
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer