@ohpeetie

[ Boyfriend walks into the room ]

Well, well, well….if it isn’t the boy who tried to break up with me in a dream last night.

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@notalogin

We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.

@_Tempo11

Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.

@slennonhugs

I’m a simple man *bites a pinecone* I enjoy simple things *tosses a gun into a lake* that’s why I decided to let these bees live in my skull

@MomOnFire

MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:

Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.

@dafloydsta

[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job

@Kinglrg_

Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?

Me:

@dorsalstream

DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?

JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.

@david8hughes

[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?

@psybermonkey

Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person

Me: ok

[Later]

Her: Hi!

Me: Hi you look uglier online

@ArfMeasures

SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*

CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!