The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
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Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”