“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
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Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Blew out my flip flop…
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma