@DrakeGatsby

“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils

You Might Also Like

@Mirimade

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

@behindyourback

*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets

@OllyiConic

me: are there really aliens at area 51

pentagon official: that’s confidential

me: then how’d i hear about it

@AnniemuMary

Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.

Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed

@ohthatbadger

Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.

@proEXgirlfriend

Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.

@bggas400

You never know how many people are out jogging early in the morning till you back out of your driveway with frost covered windows.

@truegritrumble

*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*

@OrdinaryAlso

Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*

@robdelaney

Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.