“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils

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Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick


*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets


me: are there really aliens at area 51

pentagon official: that’s confidential

me: then how’d i hear about it


Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.

Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed


Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.


Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.


You never know how many people are out jogging early in the morning till you back out of your driveway with frost covered windows.


*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*


Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*


Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.