[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
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Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Welcome to the stomach
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105