“Boys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses”

-I remind myself as I flirt with the fire extinguisher I’ve mistaken for a cute guy

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I parked in the “C” section of the parking lot.

So, naturally, I had to climb out of the sunroof.


[talking to my son]

Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name


Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.


Sometimes I feel awkward cause I don’t quite know what to do with all my limbs, but then I imagine if I was an octopus and I feel better.


Doctor: And how many partners have you had?

Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.


Judge: do you have a lawyer or will you be representing yourself?

Me: *adjusts tie* neither your honor

*a sock puppet slowly emerges from my briefcase*


Being an adult

Pros)You can eat anything you want

Cons)You can’t eat anything you want


Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30

Gucci: What about $200?

Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine


Yes I’ll watch your kid,but if you don’t pick her up on time, I’m telling her there’s no Santa Claus.