Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
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*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up