I parked in the “C” section of the parking lot.
So, naturally, I had to climb out of the sunroof.
“Boys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses”
-I remind myself as I flirt with the fire extinguisher I’ve mistaken for a cute guy
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[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
I’d rather blow up my house than clean it.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Sometimes I feel awkward cause I don’t quite know what to do with all my limbs, but then I imagine if I was an octopus and I feel better.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Judge: do you have a lawyer or will you be representing yourself?
Me: *adjusts tie* neither your honor
*a sock puppet slowly emerges from my briefcase*
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Yes I’ll watch your kid,but if you don’t pick her up on time, I’m telling her there’s no Santa Claus.