Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
You Might Also Like
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare