AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
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[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Inside you there are two wolves
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!