” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
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Every so often you come across a person that supplies you with endless motivation, even if it is just to jump into traffic.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
I sprained my wrist again furiously writing a check, tearing it from the checkbook and going “I trust this will suffice.”
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
HER:I love Tolstoy’s take on the human moral struggle
ME:*Trying to impress* See I prefer Tolstoyee 3 where Woody was in the trash compactor
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Me, taking applications for the Illuminati: oh, I never said I’d send the forms anywhere