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@zolofighter

” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.

Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “

@Parentpains

Every so often you come across a person that supplies you with endless motivation, even if it is just to jump into traffic.

@juliothesquare

I sprained my wrist again furiously writing a check, tearing it from the checkbook and going “I trust this will suffice.”

@3dog101

I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.

– a Memoir

@AdamBroud

HER:I love Tolstoy’s take on the human moral struggle
ME:*Trying to impress* See I prefer Tolstoyee 3 where Woody was in the trash compactor

@DrakeGatsby

Me: I’m an actor

Date: Oh that’s cool!

Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”

Date: I love that movie!

Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.

@jonnysun

ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant

@ShellHasDragons

Me, taking applications for the Illuminati: oh, I never said I’d send the forms anywhere