Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
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The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.