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I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Kids, do not try this at home!
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems