I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
boys need to work on keeping their Instagram up to date with good pics. I can’t show my mom some pic of a fish you caught 120 weeks ago
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WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
BARTENDER: the usual?
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not