@everygirI

boys need to work on keeping their Instagram up to date with good pics. I can’t show my mom some pic of a fish you caught 120 weeks ago

You Might Also Like

@TheBoydP

I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?

@Reverend_Scott

WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?

GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what

@murrman5

[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”

@TheTimmyToes

BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*

@AngelaEhh

I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.

… And while you’re down there…

@stephenjmolloy

Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!

@sofarrsogud

*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.

@BigJDubz

Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?

Priest: Absolutely not