@EwdatsGROSS

Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.

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@TheBoydP

Who’s the idiot that made the rule that the nicest restaurants must give you the smallest portions?

@fanofhell

I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it

@impaulmccoy

I’m guessing the game Twister isn’t getting a lot of action right now.

@Fred_Delicious

“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”

“piles of health that is! LOL”

“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”

@darrinfb

You never really realize how messed up your family is, until you start describing them to people that don’t know them.

@colsonwhitehead

Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.

@lakeanagirl

I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.

@wolfpupy

we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.