I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
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The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
“Um ok, sauce only”
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Canadian whiskey is just whiskey that apologizes for your hangover in the morning
me: I hate boxes and how they hold food so well! almost TOO good!
inventor of cornucopia: sir, do i have something to show you
My pot never calls the kettle ‘black’ because I don’t buy talking marijuana