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I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.


The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.


[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok

[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR


Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:

Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat

12 year old me: That is such a great deal


Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]


One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*


Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad


Canadian whiskey is just whiskey that apologizes for your hangover in the morning


me: I hate boxes and how they hold food so well! almost TOO good!
inventor of cornucopia: sir, do i have something to show you


My pot never calls the kettle ‘black’ because I don’t buy talking marijuana