BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
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Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
When news reporters do sports stories
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.