I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
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i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.