Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
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Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
I could’ve sworn there was less grunting and moaning the last time I put these pants on…
Maybe the donut in my mouth muffled it
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
hello and welcome to Fantasy Football *Dumbledore passes ball to Frodo* *Gandalf intercepts football and eats it*
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out