@JessObsess Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
@robdelaney Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
- @robdelaney
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@JessObsess 
@EndhooS I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
@UncleDuke1969 I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
@_youhadonejob1 A long time ago….
@Book_Krazy A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
@Six_Pack_Mom Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
@Thrones_Memes 
@TenaciousTess Me: carry my bags plz. I’m practically a trophy wife.
Husband: participation trophy
Touché husband Touché
@aaronrand Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
@shkeeber Things safer than flying Malaysia Airlines:
-Badger juggling
-Heroin enemas
-Grenade soup
-Live cobra condoms
-Roman candle tampons
-Ebola