@robdelaney

Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.

Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.

- @robdelaney

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@JessObsess

Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.

@EndhooS

I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.

@Book_Krazy

A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.

@Six_Pack_Mom

Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.

But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”

@TenaciousTess

Me: carry my bags plz. I’m practically a trophy wife.

Husband: participation trophy

Touché husband Touché

@aaronrand

Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.

@shkeeber

Things safer than flying Malaysia Airlines:

-Badger juggling
-Heroin enemas
-Grenade soup
-Live cobra condoms
-Roman candle tampons
-Ebola