@robdelaney

Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.

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@Shock_Monster

Christian Mingle: Find God’s match for you.

Because the Lord works in mysterious ways. Like setting up a website for his people to hook up.

@TheAlexNevil

The past is past.
What’s done is done.
Mistakes were made, but that’s all water under the bridge. So, let’s call it a day.

HR: No.

@BoomBoomBetty

The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.

@JasonNotEvil

Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?

Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.

Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!

@brawnkoko

How y’all take 15-30 minute nap mine be like 2-4 hours 😭😭😭🤣🤣🤣

@LoganLowbrow

My dad’s newest girlfriend introduced herself as “Cinnamon, with an S” and I’ve been calling her Cinnamons all afternoon and she absolutely will not correct me.

@JocMaxedOut

I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.

I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.

@_eric_alexander

I predict that in the year 2050 the only people who will have tramp stamps will be grandmas. Thus they will be referred to as granny stamps.

@BoogTweets

(my first day as a transformer)

optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!

Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE

@byrdie_num_num

Haven’t worn a watch in 20+ years. Coincidentally, I haven’t poured my drink on the floor when asked for the time in 20+ years.