@NurseSeymour: Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.

@lenadunham: To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you're enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing

@TheAlexNevil: Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.

@david8hughes: God: Noah, I need an ark. Noah: Why don't you ask Joseph, the carpenter? God: Uh [huge grin] cos I'm banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?

@mompsychologist: Me: If you don't like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom. 4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?