@robdelaney

Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.

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@onelongbender

Not sure yet why this cookie dough has baking instructions on the package.

@electrolemon

“It’s Adam and Eve, not Adamant Eve!” Despite his clever wordplay, Eve stands her ground. ” I’m not doing butt stuff, Adam.”

@KylePlantEmoji

If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs

@FatherWithTwins

I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact

He living his best life

@Home_Halfway

Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.

@LizHackett

I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.

@behindyourback

when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right

@Mom_Overboard

me: wow you must be pretty hoarse

dracula: why would I be hoarse

me: from all that coffin lmao

@mostlysharks

the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”

@_Mo_lee_

This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas