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@robdelaney: Brad Pitt might be "better looking" than me, but I am considerably fatter.
@NurseSeymour: Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
@lenadunham: To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you're enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
@TheAlexNevil: Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
@david8hughes: God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don't you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I'm banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
@mompsychologist: Me: If you don't like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?