Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
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asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are