Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
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Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA