brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
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a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane