If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
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They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends