brain: bounce leg

me: why

brain: bounce

me: ok that’s fair

brain: now crack knockles

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I bet this guy blaring Limp Bizkit can recommend a good defense attorney


Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.


It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.


We’re like that movie You’ve Got Mail. You’re with the wrong guy, I’m with the wrong girl then I end up on an island married to a volleyball


Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.


My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”


I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.


Just went to the mens room & came out to an empty office. Either the building is on fire or there is cake in the break room. Win/win


I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.