@WilliamAder Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
@randypaint brain: bounce leg
me: why
brain: bounce
me: ok that’s fair
brain: now crack knockles
brain: bounce leg
me: why
brain: bounce
me: ok that’s fair
brain: now crack knockles
- @randypaint
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@WilliamAder 
@WilliamAder Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
@TheToddWilliams If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
@chuuew A sequel to a time travel movie but it’s released before the first film
@Jamberee13 A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
@thezsmooth Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
@jazmasta Biology: The science of writing awesome bios.
@mommajessiec 9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
@lukekarmali This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
@3sunzzz Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.