@randypaint
@ThisLocalHater
I bet this guy blaring Limp Bizkit can recommend a good defense attorney
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@ThisLocalHater
@AllyBallyBeal
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
@Dawn_M_
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
@Adam14
We’re like that movie You’ve Got Mail. You’re with the wrong guy, I’m with the wrong girl then I end up on an island married to a volleyball
@SondraDeeMe
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
@HenpeckedHal
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
@pro_worrier_
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
@noodlegrip
*learning that school is unlikely to reopen*
@BoucheDag2k
Just went to the mens room & came out to an empty office. Either the building is on fire or there is cake in the break room. Win/win
@HousewifeOfHell
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.