@randypaint

brain: bounce leg

me: why

brain: bounce

me: ok that’s fair

brain: now crack knockles

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@ThisLocalHater

I bet this guy blaring Limp Bizkit can recommend a good defense attorney

@AllyBallyBeal

Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.

@Dawn_M_

It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.

@Adam14

We’re like that movie You’ve Got Mail. You’re with the wrong guy, I’m with the wrong girl then I end up on an island married to a volleyball

@SondraDeeMe

Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.

@HenpeckedHal

My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”

@pro_worrier_

I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.

@BoucheDag2k

Just went to the mens room & came out to an empty office. Either the building is on fire or there is cake in the break room. Win/win

@HousewifeOfHell

I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.