Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

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The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.


“Who peed in here and didn’t flush?” is the new “good morning” in my house…


Him: Sarah is dead.

Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…


I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.


People say I have an unhealthy relationship with my cat, but we’ve lived together for 9 years and we still have sex like 3 times a week


I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”


I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!


All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.