The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one
Mouth: Haven gice done
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“Who peed in here and didn’t flush?” is the new “good morning” in my house…
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
People say I have an unhealthy relationship with my cat, but we’ve lived together for 9 years and we still have sex like 3 times a week
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
This meal prepping shit easy
All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.