Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
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ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?