Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
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Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude