Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
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Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
#SCOTUS one-star review
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.