@kelseydarragh

brain: go to gym
body: please, go to gym
spirit: GYM!!!!!!!!!!

me: I’m gunna go get pasta

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@Browtweaten

Anakin: I built my droid from scratch

Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life

Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol

@nursemella

*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*

@MageOfSolitude

Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.

@TechnicallyRon

“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.

@david8hughes

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps

@jonnysun

NO

ONE’S

IN..

COURT LIKE GASTON

LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON

WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON

@Parkerlawyer

My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”

@In_A_YamChele

my nephew is 13 and starting to ask girls on dates. so he asked my brother what was the best way to ask a girl on a date and he told him to find something they were both interested in and ask if she wanted to do it.
so my nephew asked the girl if she liked chicken nuggets.