Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
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No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Sheep
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.