Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
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I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.