@Browtweaten

Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins

Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-

Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed

Me: … that long

Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins

Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-

Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed

Me: … that long

- @Browtweaten

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@StarWarsProblms

Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!

Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*

@GrantTanaka

7 is asleep, 8 is on his iPad, and 12 is all like “hey dad, why don’t you remember our names”

@ramblinma

Me: I need to make better life choices.

Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.

@calluptome

If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.

@HatfieldAnne

Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.

@daemonic3

“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”

– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients

@gojarbe

[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway