@Dustinkcouch

brain: hahaha! just thought of something funny

me: ok hold onto it until i can write it dow-

brain: i don’t want to die. i want to be alive so i can think about never dying. i do not want me to end

me: was that the funny thing?

brain: what funny thing? is heaven real

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@ShootyDoody

Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.

@jenstatsky

The best answer to an American Apparel salesperson asking you if you’re looking for anything specific is, “the bottom half of a shirt.”

@pittdave13

If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts

@PetrickSara

Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.

@beccafacexo

If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.

@simoncholland

One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.

@doggiedogthedog

Alexa play Metallica…

Alexa play Metallica…

Alexa play Metallica…

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music

Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…

@seanforhire

if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.

@DrakeGatsby

Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne

Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand

Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away