you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
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Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.