I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
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Never name drop…
Sandy Bullock taught me this.
I’m going to open a restaurant called ‘Peace and Quiet’ where kids meals cost $150
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
I have an outstanding credit score and even know a dude named Tanner but I’m still not white enough to drink pumpkin beer.
One venti cheeseburger please.