Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.

*sets phone on fire*

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I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him


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I’m going to open a restaurant called ‘Peace and Quiet’ where kids meals cost $150


I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.


Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!

[8 years later]

Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.


I have an outstanding credit score and even know a dude named Tanner but I’m still not white enough to drink pumpkin beer.