Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
You Might Also Like
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Can’t. Being lazy.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
A ghost story
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.