If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
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breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
My wife gives the best headache.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
is this meant to deter me
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.