@thegreatnanak

Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.

Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.

- @thegreatnanak

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@dinnersruined

I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over

@WheelTod

Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”

@mrjohndarby

[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS

@ch000ch

*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”

@TheCatWhisprer

Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.

@Kelly_skeleton

Asked my daughter to get me a glass of water & she brought me a glass of wine….she’s either Jesus or I gotta remember the lies I tell her

@CAshmanActor

me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand

@hellohappy_time

[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist

lady: we have cole slaw

me: ok

@MrGynosaur

Sprinklers are just little heads looking around for their friends but they can’t find them so they cry

@t0shiba

90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.