BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
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Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Stop sending me this shit.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Raisins are grape jerky.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.