-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
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If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.