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Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.


“Be nice to everyone…

You never know who might have a pool.”

-Mahatma Gandhi


My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.


I dont mean to brag, ladies, but I can turn on most appliances with one finger


*climbs into windowless van*

*puts on “Free Hugs” t-shirt*

*heads out to make new friends*


*waits for lawyer in windowless room*


Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.


If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.


I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.