Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
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Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
This kid is going places
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.