“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
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Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.