Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
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When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Autocarrot sucks!
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single