Brain: We got this!!

Body: Yeah, no we don’t

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My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT


Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.


*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*

Me – Excuse me. How much is this?

Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.

Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.

*sets place on fire before paying*


Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house


I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.

Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.


GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points


Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.


My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie


me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?


This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.