This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Brain: We got this!!
Body: Yeah, no we don’t
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Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Grabbing the hands of my elevator companions and explaining that I have a fear of flying.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I wish my name was Grudge. This way my wife would hold on to me forever.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Doc: You need to increase your protein intake.
Me: *buys the big bag of peanut butter cups*
*writes kid’s name in sharpie on arm every morning instead of getting tattoo just in case they end up being a disappointment*
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that