Brain: We got this!!

Body: Yeah, no we don’t

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This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose


Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired

Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday


Grabbing the hands of my elevator companions and explaining that I have a fear of flying.


Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”


[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]

other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard

harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT


I wish my name was Grudge. This way my wife would hold on to me forever.


am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise


Doc: You need to increase your protein intake.

Me: *buys the big bag of peanut butter cups*


*writes kid’s name in sharpie on arm every morning instead of getting tattoo just in case they end up being a disappointment*


[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that