People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
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ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches