*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
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Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.