a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
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I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.