The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
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Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!
It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
MSNBC: Racist gets what he deserves!
FOX: What’s next, thought crimes?
CNN: If you stare at your hand for a long time it will look weird
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor
[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers