BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
You Might Also Like
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP