BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is

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The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.


It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.


I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.


You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.

“Please, no. I can try harder.”

You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.


Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!

It’s like she didn’t want a tip.


MSNBC: Racist gets what he deserves!

FOX: What’s next, thought crimes?

CNN: If you stare at your hand for a long time it will look weird


HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor

[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT


I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers

Me, flirting