BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
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Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
79.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I’m too immature for adultery.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya