Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
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I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over